When God breaks you...

When Tasha Cobbs Leonard sang Gracefully Broken she said, when God breaks you, He doesn't break you to hurt you, He breaks you to promote you! And when He does it, He does it with grace.

If you've been reading my letters for a minute, you'll know how 2020 almost wiped me out.

I was in such a bad place mentally that I wanted to end it all. But I kept holding on for my kids. And by God grace, am here writing this letter today.

See, the thing with mental health struggle is, one day you’re ok, the next you feel like you can’t breathe.

I've struggled with bouts of depression ever since I had my daughter back in 2012. I suffered post partum depression and then again in 2016 after having my son.

In 2021, I was diagnosed with PTSD and have struggled with panic and anxiety attacks ever since.

Before my diagnosis, I literally couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn't eat and taking a shower was just too much of an ask. I had no will to live.

But my kids for choosing me to mother them. The thought of leaving them was the only drive that held me together and gave me the desire to keep fighting. I couldn't imagine not seeing them grow up.

And so I fought!

I felt so helpless, the only way I could fight was to seek the divine. And so for the first time in many years, I found myself calling on to God.

He knows you, He sees you and He loves you

I cannot tell you how long I cried for.

I begged God to give me the strength to eat, to get out of bed. I hated the fact that my kids were seeing me in such a defeated state.

I started sleeping with a picture of them under my pillow and I'd pray for strength to heal for them.

I've never prayed and cried so much in my whole 43 years of being in this earth.

I started challenging God to proof to me that He was real. Still, everyday and every night, the pain remained. I never got any magical sign that God was real.

All I know is something in me never allowed me to stop praying even in my doubting.

Fast forward to 2024, I can now look back with a smile because I finally understood what God was doing.

Towards the end of 2023, something deep in me was craving drastic change.

My relationship with God had grown. I was becoming more and more enlightened and self-aware. Deep down I knew my life was meant for much more that what it was.

And so I made a commitment to trust in Him to lead my every step as I entered 2024.

The breaking was necessary

Now when I look back... I can see how far I've come from that hopeless shell of a woman I was 4 years I go, I can see God's hand in it all.

I’ve come to a place where I understand why God let me go through what I went through.

I had to live it, feel the pain and feel it deep. He had to let me reach a place where I felt no one else but Him could rescue me. He had to let me break completely.

What you don't know is;

• I blamed God for not protecting me

• I blamed the world for my struggles

• I blamed my children for being the reason I couldn't end it and relieve the pain

• I blamed their father for the pain he’d caused me

• I blamed my friends for 'judging me' (which actually they didn't)

• I blamed my boss, my job, my colleagues

• I put blame on EVERYONE and EVERYTHING else but myself.

But what I've come to understand now, through my walk with God is, I was the common denominator in all these. I was the constant that never changed.

This opened my eyes and that's when I embarked, with all intention, on my healing journey.

The Healing

Six months into the year and I've founded Udada Healing.

Every week I’m sending The Healing Letters to the sisters in the community to encourage them. I'm finally courageous enough to share my struggles, my journey and my breakthroughs. I share the things I’ve learnt and am still learning as I continue to heal and grow.

I don't know where God is leading me with this, all I’m sure of is that I answered His call to share my story and serve other women. And so I will not question it, I will not doubt the calling, I will not let fear stop me... I will trust Him 100%.

Because only I know where and how far He has brought me. And I know the promises He has for me.

Be encourage Sis, God is working in your life. In the pain, in the darkness, in the struggle... in it all, your PURPOSE will be found.

Seek Him, talk to Him, trust Him... but most importantly LISTEN to His soft voice speaking in you.

For just as He allowed me to break so He would promote me, He is doing the same for YOU.

Love & light,
Christine