You need to grieve

Author

Christine Okello
June 26, 2024

The pain of losing a mother

27th March 2003... a day that’ll forever mark my life and that of our entire family.

Let's go back a few days.

Mum has been complaining of stomach aches and cramping for the past few days. She is not eating well and looks very tired. Her normal self seems to be lost in the discomfort her body is experiencing.

After consulting with the family doctor, she's referred to a hospital for some tests. At the hospital, she’s admitted for routine observation as test results are awaited.

For 3 days, she's on a drip of painkillers after test results show her kidneys might be failing. We’re told it's nothing major and she should be home in a few days.

I remember visiting her on the 26th of March, with my younger sister and brother. We find Dad by her bedside, reading his paper, as mum naps. Our voices, though whispering, as Dad updates us, wake her up.

Mum is smiling, though the pain is evident on her face.

She asks how our day... we all answer with standard 'it was good' one after the other. Honestly, me having a crappy day at work is the least of what Mum should be thinking about now.

We, in turn, ask her how she feels... 'I’m ok, but the pain is unbearable... I'd rather be dead than experience this pain any longer' she says with a forced giggle. And we all giggle at her ridiculous, not-so-funny joke.

The evening progresses as we chat about this and that.

As the visiting hours end, I hug my mum goodbye and tell her to get some rest.

Little did I know... little did we all know, we were saying our last goodbyes.

We woke up the following day and rushed to the hospital. Dad had gotten a call saying Mum had gotten worse during the night. She needed to be transferred to a bigger hospital with a high-dependency unit.

Mum took her last breath that day.

Stolen grief

Shortly after we laid her to rest, I packed the little personal belongings and moved to a whole new continent.

I arrived in Belgium not speaking a single word of the language and not knowing anyone.

I found myself in one of the loneliest seasons of my life. I went where the wind blew me. I did what I was told was best for me without question. I believed what I was made to believe.

I applied and got mediocre English-speaking jobs that drained the life out of me. And this for years.

And for years nothing felt right, I felt lost, hopeless, useless and depressed... for years!

Fast forward to the beginning of 2024…

I've started therapy with my wonderful therapist, Salma.

We talk about all the events before my big move and she points out something. Something that had never crossed my mind.

She tells me my years of struggles could be due to my body switching to survival mode when I moved.

I never had time to properly grieve my Mum before being thrown into the deep end of a new life in a foreign land.

In 2007, I lost a baby. I've never told anyone about this until now.

In short, I arrived in Belgium a zombie and have been one ever since.

I allowed my new life to steal my right to grieve my darling mother and my beautiful angel baby.

I allowed a new life to numb grief, pain, tears and sorrow.

Until this year.

The Healing

Grief is an emotion that follows the lose of something or someone.

Grief is not only about death. We grieve broken relationships, a job we loved, a friendship that turned sore etc.

In grief, our brain immediately goes into fight or flight mode... mine chose flight, entering survival mode. I've come to understand that I resisted the pain of grief by keeping busy in my new environment.

Grief, like any other emotion, does not leave until you allow yourself to feel it. I wrote about how to feel your feelings here.

If you are in a season of grief, I pray you find comfort in knowing God is with you in your pain.

Please remember;

  • Your grieving process is unique to you so no one should tell you how and until when you should grieve.

  • Your pain in this season is valid... you should never feel bad about grieving, even after years of being in it.

  • Know that grief comes with many different, and sometimes, unexpected emotions. Sometimes you’ll be angry, frustrated or sad. You have to accept and learn to deal with these emotions as they arise and without judgment.

  • Ask for support and share your struggles with people who care about you. But also take care of yourself mentally and physically.

  • And all through, keep your focus on God, pray and ask Him to walk through this season with you.

I pray you find comfort in knowing that you’re never alone. A day will come when you’ll look back and say, "God, You were there along!".

Love & light,
Christine

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