To grow, you'll need to surrender

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I'd always wondered what 'growing' meant.

I'd see the term used everywhere on socials... especially post Covid.

'Am in my growing era!'

'Sis, you need to grow from things that don't serve you'.

'Learn to walk away from relationships that don't help you grow'... are some of the ones I've seen around.

But somehow, no one seemed to explain to me how to start growing, or even what growth really meant.

Our dear trusted friend, Google, told me that growing is similar to;

• thriving

• maturing... or

• flourishing

For me, I understand it as going from one state of being to a higher, better state of being.

Improving on one level to achieve another level.

Moving from a place of stagnancy to a place of opportunities.

Feeling stuck

Along my healing journey, there are moments when I feel really stuck. Nothing seems to move to any direction. Just a weird sense of 'stuckness'.

Recently, after being put on treatment for H. pylori bacteria, I’ve find myself in that space again.

I've been struggling with brain fog. My creativity is in the dumps and I feel emotionally tired.

I don't know if I should blame the meds or just the blues.

In the process, I’ve noticed how I’ve become very judgemental and hard on myself.

At some point, felt guilty for watching a movie with my daughter one afternoon when I was too drain to do anything 'productive'.

I could see the pattern, I've been here before so I know the script very well.

• I'll get into this endless whirlpool of self-loath and self-negative talk for anything small.

• I'll even get deeper into procrastination, because ‘I'm already not doing anything anyway’

• No one is even interested in anything I write or the content I produce... so why even bother

And on and on and on...

But after a recent session with Salma (my amazing therapist), I feel more at ease. I open up to her about what I’ve been feeling. Then she asks me a question that completely shifts my mindset in that moment…

'So you think spending time with your 11 year old daughter, watching a girly movie that you both enjoyed was a waste of time?' And if so... if you could go back and get that time back, what would you have done instead?

Hearing those words coming from someone else really hit me.

When I was being a mean girl to myself, the same words were full of judgement and belittling. Coming from her made me realise how blessed I was to have spend that time with my little one. How if I had the opportunity to redo it again... I wouldn't hesitate.

Talk about an instant perspective and mindset shift.

At that exact moment, I made a decision to never see spending time with my children or people I love as time wasted... whether we are sitting under a tree doing nothing, it's still precious time creating memories.

The Healing

Today, I intentionally repeat to myself that I need to let go and just be.

I need to stop being so uptight on something and just let things be.

I was sick on strong meds and I was still expecting myself to be 100%, to go to work, create content and work on these letters. Still having a home to run and mother 2 children.

I realised I'll never be 100% everyday, and that's ok. Some days I'll be productive and push the needle towards my goals, other days I'll chill with my family making memories. Both, to me, are growth.

I’ve let go of this illusion that to grow I have to be on the grind 24/7. Because growth it’s not only about securing the bag. Growth is also about thriving as a mother, flourishing as a friend and a sister.

To truly grow and keep growing, I’ve surrendered to God's will and His perfect timing.

Because it with letting go of your vision of the perfect outcome, that you allow God to move in your life.

Your surrender will turn your grind and struggles into soil.

You'll then be able to see how God will water you to grow through His word and your trust in Him.

Love & light,

Christine

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