Journey To Self-Worth

When You Feel Unworthy

The origin

"Hey, Darkness!"

"Oh my God, your short hair makes you look like a boy!"

This is how childhood sounded to me.

Yes, I had my group of friends, and yes, we played and laughed together all the time. But being called 'darkness', because of the extra melanin in my skin, kinda messed me up.

At the time, it seemed innocent... and well, like they say, boys will be boys and they tease. No one knew how those words, and the feelings that accompanied, them would affect me many years on.

This was when I was about 8.

In high school, I would see all my friends get red roses on Valentine's day, and I would die a little with envy. It sucked!

Early 20s, still no suitors in site, I decided to make a plan for my future... husbandless and 'boyfriendless';

• Get a job and climb to a managerial position by 25 (looked like the dream!)

• Live in a lovely home with a picture perfect interior decor in a posh neighbourhood in Nairobi.

• Adopt a little girl, that I'd raise alone.

• Travel the world... first stop - Cuba.

• etc. etc. etc.

I had resigned to the 'truth' that a dark skinned, tomboy like me was unlovable and undesirable.

But God had other plans.

At 22, I met the man who'd be the father of my kids. The first man to call me beautiful.

When I tell you love shook me! It shook me! To the point I forgot my childhood traumas. They ended up buried in some deep compartment at the back of my mind for years.

Until they weren't anymore.

In the middle of the COVID shenanigans back in 2020, my mind decided to open up that compartment. I found myself depressed, hurt, broken and suicidal. I was in the darkest place I’ve ever been. I knew I had to face my demons.

One day, as I lay in bed for the 9th day in a row, wishing God would end the misery or take me, something happened.

You know how they say ‘as long as you have breath, God’s not done with you yet’, somehow, that statement came to mind and that’s when I knew, for the sake of my kids, something had to change.

So my long, lonely and painful healing journey began.

Baby steps to Overcoming Feelings of Unworthiness

Few of us are aware of the trauma we carry. We suffer from low self-esteem issues without knowing where they stems from.

My story above gives a good example.

What I’ve come to learn is these feelings of unworthiness can prevent you from enjoying and living a beautiful and happy life.

Think about it;

How many times have you brushed off a compliment about your beautiful smile? Your flawless skin or your goddess figure?

It has stopped you from;

• chasing your dreams... because you're too old.

• going to that new restaurant that you've been eyeing, because you don't have someone to go with, so people will stare.

• wearing the bikini you bought 2 years ago, because you still have some sit ups to do to get the belly just right.

We have to un-condition ourselves from these defeating beliefs. Allow me to show you where you can start from. Take these simple tips and make them a daily practice;

1. Positive Self-Affirmation

Because no one knows you better than you know yourself. Use 'I Am' statements e.g. I am beautiful, I am strong...

Remind yourself of these truths daily!

2. Talk To God

Assuming you know some Bible, and that God said He created us in His own image. So how are you gonna tell God that He's ugly and unworthy?

Sit in prayer, read God's word and let it be a reminder of what He’s spoken about you.

3. Challenge your thoughts

Those negative ones. Question how true they are.

Example: 

Thought: I can’t wear this dress… I look like an elephant in it! 

Challenge: Is it true? Do I REALLY look like an elephant? 

The answer should be a simple: Yes or No… nothing more.

You are the master of your mind and not the other way around. You have the power to choose which of your thoughts to believe.

4. Comparing yourself to others... STOP IT!

Listen, social media is full of fakeness!

That house is an Airbnb, that plane is not real. Stop letting people on social media and on TV make you feel like your life is worth nothing.

Wherever you are is exactly where God wants you to be in this season.

Take a good look at your life and tell me you are not blessed right here right now?!

And if you find that you are not happy where you are, start working towards where you want to go... but with a grateful heart.

5. Compliments... rake 'em up!!!

Bag them! In fact, ask for it in writing!!! Lol!

Stop deflecting positivity geared towards you. Take it and wear it with pride. Carry it with you and remind yourself of it throughout your day!

6. Learn to be vulnerable

But with caution.

Find the people you trust! Those who you know want the best for you and open up to them about your struggles. You don't have to tell them everything, just say the much you are comfortable sharing at that moment.

Find a supportive community of sisters like Udada, where you'll hear about how others are healing or healed from this.

Talk to your pastor or an older, wiser friend. Or better yet, find a therapist. They can help you with these feelings.

The Healing

I wish it was as simple as taking a nap and waking up to find such feelings gone.

But it’s not.

Healing takes work and it takes time.

Start a daily practice of affirming yourself positively, accept compliments and positive feedback for what they are. Seek support from people you trust by opening up. If possible, get off social media for a while as you work on yourself and learn to take control of you mind. But most importantly, seek God’s truth about who you are.

I hope you gather the courage to start seeing yourself in a different light, a light that shines on your worth.

Healing begins when you acknowledge that a wound exists and it requires your care.

Love and light,

Christine

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